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Am I the only one who wore a mask? I don't mean a physical one, I mean the one you wear to hide your real face, the one you wear to hide those less fleeting emotions of depression, hatred, and anger.
Am I the only one scared to go back to wearing it again, but at the same time miss its security? I feel so vulnerable being honest, and so taken advantage of. I feel like wearing my mask again to protect myself, but I'm scared I'll lose myself in it again. That I'll become numb and lifeless like it.
My depression is re-surfacing. I feel so alone, scared, and selfish. I feel like everyone I know hates me, that they mean everything they say. I'm having thoughts of ending it again. How did I get so low so quickly? Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel so worthless, meaningless, and void? Is it the stress? The loneliness around others? The insults? Why?
I wish I could just disappear into my dreams where I'm always accepted. I can't breath because of the tears, and it keeps me awake.
----EDIT----
I'm adorning a mask again. I have to in order to deal with this.
Too much is happening at once, and I can't deal. It seems like everything is going wrong for me. My GF broke up with me, my best friend is moving to another state, our landlord is evicting us, I'm in debt, and on top of that I've been depressed again. I can't be myself. It's this or nothing for me, I think.
Am I the only one scared to go back to wearing it again, but at the same time miss its security? I feel so vulnerable being honest, and so taken advantage of. I feel like wearing my mask again to protect myself, but I'm scared I'll lose myself in it again. That I'll become numb and lifeless like it.
My depression is re-surfacing. I feel so alone, scared, and selfish. I feel like everyone I know hates me, that they mean everything they say. I'm having thoughts of ending it again. How did I get so low so quickly? Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel so worthless, meaningless, and void? Is it the stress? The loneliness around others? The insults? Why?
I wish I could just disappear into my dreams where I'm always accepted. I can't breath because of the tears, and it keeps me awake.
----EDIT----
I'm adorning a mask again. I have to in order to deal with this.
Too much is happening at once, and I can't deal. It seems like everything is going wrong for me. My GF broke up with me, my best friend is moving to another state, our landlord is evicting us, I'm in debt, and on top of that I've been depressed again. I can't be myself. It's this or nothing for me, I think.
Baby Girl
So my daughter is now a month and 10 days old, I love her so much but my life has also changed so much because of her. I never could've fathomed how much a child changes a man's life until she was born. It still astounds me. I won't be doing much critiquing anymore art for a good while, as between work, Alanna, my wife, and chores, I don't have much time for deviantart, but I'm glad to see of the people I have watched and given critiques to, all have improved dramatically! it makes me so happy to have helped so little and yet made such a big difference. Good luck to all of you, and keep making great art! Express yourself!
One more week
One more week till my baby girl is born, hopefully! due date is June 4!
Can't wait <3
September 7th - Marriage
Today is the day of my Wedding, at 2pm.
Speak now or forever hold your peace. I mean it, if you speak after I'm wed, there'll be no peace for you!
Devious Journal Entry
1. Tell you why I befriended you.
2. Associate you with something- random, a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
4. Tell you a memory of you that I try to remember.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite deviation of yours.
7. Tell you what I'd do if we were in the same room right now.
8. If you and I are handcuffed together in a cop car. Using only 3 words ,what I would say to you.
9. In return, you must post this in your journal....and if you don't.....I guess you'll miss out on the fun with your watchers ;3
© 2013 - 2024 xzye
Comments5
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Your not alone in this struggle. Being honest is hard, being who you truly are is... complicated....
I definitely can sympathize with wearing a mask... mine is usually a smile...
but here's a little food for thought, you can change who you are. sometimes what used to be your mask is how you really are, while what you try to present as the true you is really just a mask. You can choose what is your mask and what is your "YOU".
I just sat down and decided who i wanted to be, i carved myself a new mask, and tried to make it the real me. You are who you choose to be.
And xzye... don't end it... you WILL be missed. You've helped me become who I am today, you are a very important part of my life, and I don't want to loose you. The depression WILL end, it WON'T last forever. Just hold on and you can make it through, and come out stronger at the other end.
and your not a slave to your feelings, you CAN control them, think of all the good things (how cliche' can you get huh? lol)
but seriously, You have a job, that alone is something that a lot of people in this economy envy. You have overcome greater challenges than most have ever faced today.
just take it slow, take a day to just watch the clouds. Take a few hours to just think about SOMETHING that you enjoy, something good.
sometimes masks can be useful, try wearing a smile for a day, see if it sticks... see if you can take off the mask to find a real smile underneath
and sorry if this doesn't make much sense... lol, im having trouble making coherent thoughts ^.=.^
I definitely can sympathize with wearing a mask... mine is usually a smile...
but here's a little food for thought, you can change who you are. sometimes what used to be your mask is how you really are, while what you try to present as the true you is really just a mask. You can choose what is your mask and what is your "YOU".
I just sat down and decided who i wanted to be, i carved myself a new mask, and tried to make it the real me. You are who you choose to be.
And xzye... don't end it... you WILL be missed. You've helped me become who I am today, you are a very important part of my life, and I don't want to loose you. The depression WILL end, it WON'T last forever. Just hold on and you can make it through, and come out stronger at the other end.
and your not a slave to your feelings, you CAN control them, think of all the good things (how cliche' can you get huh? lol)
but seriously, You have a job, that alone is something that a lot of people in this economy envy. You have overcome greater challenges than most have ever faced today.
just take it slow, take a day to just watch the clouds. Take a few hours to just think about SOMETHING that you enjoy, something good.
sometimes masks can be useful, try wearing a smile for a day, see if it sticks... see if you can take off the mask to find a real smile underneath
and sorry if this doesn't make much sense... lol, im having trouble making coherent thoughts ^.=.^